Unless you have been under a rock that was under an even bigger rock somewhere on the moon, by now you know, I had gastric bypass. I know many people in my community frown upon having weight loss surgery, but I am confident that I did what was best for me. However, I am not confident about being “fly AF in this fat ass body” (per usual) now that I am 50 lbs lighter.
Weight loss surgery can be a big ole mind fuck; this is why you can’t have the procedure without undergoing a psychological evaluation. From my first visit with the bariatric doctor to my time with the counselor and every conversation with my friends, I expressed my concerns and fears. I have been fat most of my life, I don’t hate my body, and I make a cute little coin based on my work as a plus size influencer; so yeah the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone and into an unfamiliar place was scary, horrifying. However, I knew that it was what was best so, here I am. Ten weeks post-op, in much better health, and over 50 pounds lighter but feeling heavy AF because this weight loss is happening faster than I can process it.
Now I know I have told you many times that I have been confident in my skin all my life and that has been my truth until now. Of course, I had moments growing up but thanks to the amazing women who raised me that were also plus size, I never saw myself as flawed or ugly. In school, kids would make jokes and were mean, some of their efforts landed, but most times I was like Daisey Duck in the rain, it rolled off my back. Honestly, even when I didn’t love myself, it wasn’t due to my weight.
Now I am 50 pounds lighter, I have transitioned from a size 28 to a 24, and while I have worn a 24 before, It is different. Walking into my closet and not being able to fit many of my staple pieces is weird. I am by no means skinny, nor will I ever be if I can help it, but the change bothers me because I don’t know this bitch that is melting in my mirror. So yeah, for the first time in my 41 years of existence, I am struggling with being confident in my skin. I know that my beauty and my looks are not related, but I miss my fat rosy cheeks that I felt made me prettier.
The look that I am adding to MY STYLE JOURNAL today confirmed that the struggle is real because I could never have worn this before and now that I can I am self-conscious. I know that it is a process and that eventually this too shall pass. However until I am back to my usual self know that I am overwhelmed, but this look did make me feel a little like the fine ass fat girl I deep down know I am.
MY STYLE JOURNAL
Luxe Leopard set: Curverra
Sheer lace top (similar)
Ankle strap sandal heel: Sam Edelman
Quilted chain bag: SheIn
I know there are those who believe weight loss surgery is the easy way out, honestly, I was once one of those people. However, now I am here to tell it isn’t. Weight loss surgery is just a tool, it takes a change in learned behavior and commitment to something new to be successful, and success looks different on each person. For me, success is cancer and uterus free with a triple dose of confidence.