MY STYLE JOURNAL: 50 Pounds Lighter & 50 Percent Less Confident

Maui B of PHAT Girl Fresh

Photo by P Dillon Photography

Unless you have been under a rock that was under an even bigger rock somewhere on the moon, by now you know, I had gastric bypass. I know many people in my community frown upon having weight loss surgery, but I am confident that I did what was best for me. However, I am not confident about being “fly AF in this fat ass body” (per usual) now that I am 50 lbs lighter.

So yeah, I wrote a post (Read Here) about my choice to have the gastric bypass because I wanted to share my truth with women who like me need to use the procedure as a tool to live. From my experience, there are so many moving parts (pre-op and post-op) associated with this procedure which I plan to share as I continue to unpack and process it all.

Weight loss surgery can be a big ole mind fuck; this is why you can’t have the procedure without undergoing a psychological evaluation. From my first visit with the bariatric doctor to my time with the counselor and every conversation with my friends, I expressed my concerns and fears. I have been fat most of my life, I don’t hate my body, and I make a cute little coin based on my work as a plus size influencer; so yeah the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone and into an unfamiliar place was scary, horrifying. However, I knew that it was what was best so, here I am. Ten weeks post-op, in much better health, and over 50 pounds lighter but feeling heavy AF because this weight loss is happening faster than I can process it.

Now I know I have told you many times that I have been confident in my skin all my life and that has been my truth until now. Of course, I had moments growing up but thanks to the amazing women who raised me that were also plus size, I never saw myself as flawed or ugly. In school, kids would make jokes and were mean, some of their efforts landed, but most times I was like Daisey Duck in the rain, it rolled off my back. Honestly, even when I didn’t love myself, it wasn’t due to my weight.

Maui B of PHAT Girl Fresh

Photo by P Dillon Photography

Now I am 50 pounds lighter, I have transitioned from a size 28 to a 24, and while I have worn a 24 before, It is different. Walking into my closet and not being able to fit many of my staple pieces is weird. I am by no means skinny, nor will I ever be if I can help it, but the change bothers me because I don’t know this bitch that is melting in my mirror.  So yeah, for the first time in my 41 years of existence, I am struggling with being confident in my skin. I know that my beauty and my looks are not related, but I miss my fat rosy cheeks that I felt made me prettier.

The look that I am adding to MY STYLE JOURNAL   today confirmed that the struggle is real because I could never have worn this before and now that I can I am self-conscious. I know that it is a process and that eventually this too shall pass. However until I am back to my usual self know that I am overwhelmed, but this look did make me feel a little like the fine ass fat girl I deep down know I am.

 

MY STYLE JOURNAL

Maui B of PHAT Girl Fresh

Photo by P Dillon Photography

Maui B of PHAT Girl Fresh

Photo by P Dillon Photography

 

Luxe Leopard set: Curverra

Sheer lace top (similar)

Ankle strap sandal heel: Sam Edelman

Quilted chain bag: SheIn

 

I know there are those who believe weight loss surgery is the easy way out, honestly, I was once one of those people. However, now I am here to tell it isn’t. Weight loss surgery is just a tool, it takes a change in learned behavior and commitment to something new to be successful, and success looks different on each person. For me, success is cancer and uterus free with a triple dose of confidence.

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2 Comments

  1. Arethia
    December 20, 2018 / 8:05 pm

    I commend you for sharing your truth and your journey. I follow you and admire you as a plus size woman. Please embrace the new and improved YOU 💜you deserve so much happiness and I am celebrating with you in Wichita Kansas. Keep being FABULOUS!